Star Wars: Episode IV.1 (with viewer commentary ON)

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It's Friday night, and Male Offspring #1 (MO#1) and I are watching Star Wars Episode IV. You know, the one that came out FIRST. In 1977, I think -- when I was just a little older than MO#1. That makes . . . a good opportunity for blogging again after a several month hiatus to deal with, uh, life issues.

So, here's a commentary on the fly AS WE WATCH. It's like your PRACTICALLY WATCHING WITH US!

Intro: [Darth Vader and the Big Bad Imperial Cruiser capture the goofy little Rebellion spaceship with Princess Leia on board. Darth V. wants those stolen Death Star plans that have been transmitted to the ship by rebel spies (or "RE-bul SPOIS", per D.V.).] So, I was just thinking that maybe it would have been a good idea for the rebels to make MULITPLE COPIES of the plans? Maybe a million or so, scattered throughout the ship and broadcast all over the galaxy? I understand they probably didn't have internet access out there in deep space, but it's just plain goofy for D.V. to think there is only ONE COPY of the plans hidden away somewhere on the ship.

[R2D2 and C3PO sneak into the escape pod and make for the planet Tattooine. Knothead imperial officer tells gunner not to shoot at escape pod because there are no life signs on board; it "probably short circuited".] Is laser ammunition really THAT expensive that they wouldn't go ahead and shoot at one more stupid little life pod just because it's empty? REALLY? Have some target practice, at least! Given the way they shoot lasers throughout the rest of the movie, I'm not really getting this scene. Why didn't they just have the guy shoot and miss? Then the gunner should suggest sending out fighters, and the officer should respond, "Oh, don't worry about it; there are no life signs on board anyway." Or maybe the officer should just strike the gunner for missing; that would be more in keeping with the whole "empire" thing.

[The Jawa knock out R2D2 with an electronic pulse and capture him for resale.] So five of those little guys can carry R2D2? Somehow I always thought he probably weighed as much as my truck, given all that hardware he has on board. Maybe the Jawa are super strong.

[Obi Wan Kenobi to Luke Skywalker re Luke's father: "He was the best star pilot in the galaxy, and a great warrior."] "And I cut off his legs and one arm in a fight, so I must be a REAL badass."

Why does R2D2 always sound like he's sending a fax?

A few years ago, I went to a film conference where a speaker talked about the visual phenomenon of the Star Wars movies and contrasted it with just how terribly bad the dialogue is. He said the movies are almost better if you turn the sound off and supply your own dialogue! I think he's right. "Wait Luke! It's too dangerous!" Pretty weak. Granted, Yoda gets out a line or two of clever banter in later episodes, but that's about it.

Is Tattooine a planet given over to global warming due to all those landspeeder carbon emissions?

So here's the cantina scene with all those awkward aliens who don't move well. But points for imagination.

Now Luke is practicing with the light saber on board the Millenium Falcon. Philosophical discussion concerning "the Force" commences with Obi Wan as master teacher, Luke as naive pupil, and Han Solo as the skeptic. This is the point where the Christians began to get suspicious about the uprightness of this whole Star Wars enterprise. I think the folks who got worked up about this in the late 1970s were right on philosophy but wrong on the strength of the threat. Easy for me to say from the perspective of 2008, of course.

[M. Falcon caught in TRACTOR BEAM of Death Star.] I love the "tractor beam" idea. I wonder who first came up with it? There's a google topic for later tonight.

[Stormtroopers bring in scanners to look for stuff on the ship. They are so big they take two Imperial flunkies to carry them!] Give me a Star Trek tricorder any day! I think there's a PC vs. Mac commercial in that comparison . . . .

I just noticed that Luke has . . . Bama Bangs!

Is Bigfoot a Wookie?

I always thought those silver things in Chewbacca's over-the-shoulder "sash" were blaster clips. If so, it's odd that Han and Luke didn't take it off him when they were pretending he's a prisoner. Maybe it's just Wookie bling.

I wonder if that white pastic those stormtroopers wear will withstand a blaster shot? Or a bullet?

[D. Vader (to Tarkin regarding Obi Wan Kenobi: "Escape is not his plan -- I must face him, alone!"] Gotta hand it to D.V. -- I'd be too afraid to face again the guy who cut off my legs and one arm in the last fight. Sure, Kenobi's older now, but still . . . .

Say, that reminds me: How do you get a one-armed Jedi out of a tree? {Insert your favorite punch line here.}

[Garbage compactor scene!] I wonder why they bother to compact garbage before jettisoning it into space. Perhaps a union rule? Reminds me of that scene in Galaxy Quest where the heroes have to pass through that part of the ship with all those crazy stamping machines, flamethrowers and assorted booby traps.

Han: "One thing's for sure, we're all going to be a lot thinner!" Yeah, I wish I'd had the sound turned down for that one.

[Obi Wan at the tractor beam control, perched over a several-hundred-foot drop in the middle of a catwalk.] What devious Imperial architect designed THIS?

So our heroes have traded Alec Guinness for Carrie Fisher. A good trade, though Guiness got slightly better lines. But Fisher has those cinnabons on the sides of her head.

When things blow up in space, I don't think they make any noise. Sound doesn't travel in a vacuum.

When ships travel through space, they probably don't make a "shhhhhooooooosh" noise either.

Boy, the rebel alliance has bad graphics on their computers.

Did the Death Star have an official name, I wonder? Perhaps "Titanic"?

The D. Star makes me think about assymetric warfare. The empire builds a Death Star, which must require enormous resources to build and maintain. Maybe they could build and staff a couple more at most. But the galaxy is, uh, pretty big. All the rebel alliance has to do is become mobile and they can always avoid the one, two or three Death Stars.

I wonder what those droids do in the back of the Tie Fighters? (Or are they tye fighters?)

"Use the Force, Luke! Let go, Luke!"

Oh no, he's lost R2! Now we'll see what kind of difference a droid makes.

And Han Solo saves the day!

And the Death Star expodes into a thousand points of light!

Luke gets a new leather jacket! And a medal!

And C3PO gets a shine!

OK, I tried, but I still love this movie. I guess I'll be 8 forever somewhere deep inside.